 Kaylee Swanson
Birthmother who became pregnant out of rape.
Kaylee is available for speaking – kaylee.swanson@yahoo.com This is Her blog
I grew up as a "Christian," but it took a hard time in my life to make me actually
have a relationship with God. After high school, I went to college in Indiana. I met
a lot of great people out there, and made a lot of big mistakes as well. Up until
one night, I had maintained my purity and for some reason, for one instance, I
decided it wasn't that big of a deal and I let loose with someone I hardly knew. That's when I lost my sense of relationship with God.
The next couple of years, I continued on the same path. Though I eventually
returned to church, had a great Christian roommate, and felt God's presence,
nothing changed my lifestyle.
After graduating from college, I took a job in Amarillo, Texas, with great
expectations of starting my new life and putting those past mistakes behind me. I
had another great Christian roommate while in Texas, and a friend who invited me
to her church. Things were looking up. But ultimately, I gave into temptation
again, and I really cried about it this time. I was truly convicted of my sins, so I fell
on my knees and begged the Lord to take over my life.
I thought I had made it. I knew that this was the start of a wonderful relationship
with God. So I told the guy I’d been with that I was choosing to find abstinence
and that we would no longer be having intercourse. I realize now that he thought
it was a joke. I told him we could be friends and I meant that we would just be
friends.
A few days later, he called me, and sounded really upset – I was thinking that
maybe something serious had happened. Being naive at the time, I went over to
console him. This proved to be an enormous mistake -- I was raped. I didn't
know what was happening. In my mind, I figured it was just because he “wanted
it”, or that he was upset at me and had felt rejected. I remember thinking that I
just wanted it over with so he would leave me alone. It was difficult to
comprehend that I was being raped, even though I kept saying over and over
again “Stop. No. Quit!” Then with my arms pinned down and tears falling down
my face, he asked what was wrong. I said, “I told you ‘No.’” He replied, “It's not
like I raped you.” That's when I knew for certain what had just happened to me. I
went back to my apartment and didn't say a word for days.
I immediately asked God for guidance and told Him I was sorry and that I
understood why this had happened. I just prayed so hard that nothing else would
happen and I promised to be His. But I had become pregnant. The first person I
told -- the person I trusted -- was a male friend. He told me it would be "taken
care of." The next day, I received a text message of abortion clinics. Then I told
a friend from work, and she took me to a CareNet crisis pregnancy center.
Shortly after, I began participating in a foundational Bible study course for new
Christians at my church. I offered my new-found life to the Lord again and this
time, I knew who God was and what God could do, and I understood that He can
only smack you on the wrist so many times. I decided to carry the baby.
I called my mom one day after talking to my friend from work. I said I had to tell
her something that was really hard and that she wouldn't believe. When I told
her, she remained very calm about it. My mom later shared with me that, after we
hung up, she told my step-dad and then cried her eyes out.
As for my dad, I was really scared to tell him I’d become pregnant from this terrible
were together. His first reaction: he just wanted to kill him (like every other male
that I told.) He asked where the guy was and if he wanted me to fly down to
Texas. I just simply asked him to pray about it.
Before I became pregnant, I never really thought about my views on abortion
because I never thought I would have to choose. I guess when I do think about it,
I was pro-choice. Until I was faced with the situation and actually educated myself
on the consequences of abortion, adoption, parenting, and foster care, I would
have left it up to the mother to decide. Then when it came down to it, and I knew
that there was a life inside of me who had no choice of how he came to be, I
became steadfastly pro-life.
I left my job after my boss became a complete jerk. Things got worse and worse
with my boss until I started praying that the Lord would find an out for me. Then
wouldn't you know -- on June 6th I was fired. I didn't ask questions nor need
answers. I knew that God had provided just what I needed -- a faster way back to
family.
When I knew I was leaving Texas, something changed in me. I never spoke up in
my Bible study class until the last Sunday I was there. We were in closing prayer.
There had already been so many prayer requests -- I just figured I would leave
and close the Texas door behind me. Then I felt something in me and I spoke
up. I was instantly surrounded with love and care -- the kind you don't find just
anywhere. I was offered phone numbers and I should've used them, but I just
wanted out of Texas so badly.
Once I was fired, I thought about what was next. Since I was in high school and
went on my first vacation to Disney, I have been a fan of traveling, so I took this
opportunity to make the most of it. It's funny -- whenever my mom talks about this
part of the story, she looks at me like I'm crazy, but what I did was just what I
needed. While I was pregnant, my son and I took many trips together and saw
many things. It was such a great escape from reality and it gave me time to talk
to my son about me. I know that he was not able to comprehend what I was telling
him on our drive, but I know in my heart that he was listening.
One of my dreams is to visit every major league baseball stadium in the country.
We visited five -- Arizona, Colorado, Kansas City, Cleveland, and Cincinnati. We
shopped, we explored and we learned to love each other. It was the voyage of a
lifetime. We went to the “four corners” (where UT,NM,CO, and AZ meet) and I
took a picture with my belly at the cross hairs of all four. How many people can
say they've ever done that before?! We drove up to Colorado to watch the
Indians (my team) play the Rockies, we drove through Rocky Mountain National
Park, up into Wyoming, across Nebraska down into Kansas where we had ribs
together at the Rib America Festival and later on watched the Royals beat the
San Francisco Giants. We spent that night in Missouri and looked through our
pictures while I tried my best to explain in detail what a lucky little boy he was. We
made our way across Missouri into Illinois, Indiana and back to Kentucky where
another job would fall into place.
Together we saw sunsets in 13 different states and traveled to a total of 15.
We've caught a foul ball, been in four states at once and spent hours upon end
together, just the two of us. I feel like that special time of travel we had together
with my car loaded to the top was what I needed to have that mother/child
connection. Although he may not be in my sight every day (which is not entirely
true because he is my computer background,) he has a box of photos of all the
places we were, tickets from the 12 baseball games we watched (one being the
AAA AllStar game), the foul ball we caught, and several photos of my family and I
throughout the years. In due time, he will know exactly who I am and that there
are many, many more people who love him. I hope that my son will understand
that his life is precious and he is loved.
Eventually, I moved back to Ohio -- the place I never thought I would return to.
Both my mother and I placed my situation on the prayer chain at my church. I was
nervous to go back, but I did, and I was blessed with a great congregation. Most
of the people in my church groups would just tell me they were proud of me and
they supported my decisions and that I was a strong individual. Maybe I didn't
have to deal with a lot of outside things because I made sure to surround myself
with good people. I really probably would have stayed quiet about everything
anyway, but I went to a Christian counselor one time in Texas, she told me that
keeping quiet about things was just what the devil wanted me to do. So then,
slowly but surely, I spoke up and it got easier because I wasn't hiding something
so difficult from my friends and family.
Through my church’s prayer chain, I found a family who was looking for a baby
because they were unable to have one. We met and I chose them as the parents
for my son.
Since placing for adoption, a lot of people have not understood how I could do it.
In most cases, they don't even know the story behind how I became pregnant, but
I just say it was the best for my son and for me. I will tell you honestly that at one
point, even my mid-wife thought I was making a mistake. She told me I could go
on Medicaid and food stamps and we would survive together. I was so frustrated
by this, that if she hadn't been my fourth doctor through this pregnancy, I would
have switched (she was not the one that delivered in the end anyway.) For my
son, I wanted a two-parent household that was stable and comfortable. I couldn't
provide what I wanted him to have. I didn't want to have men in and out of his life
while I was trying to find someone to love us both. I also am not sure about where
I will be month to month since I’m just now taking a new position in another state.
My life is in no way a good way to raise a child, but an adoptive family is.
I now have an outstanding relationship with the Lord. I attend church regularly
and read devotions daily. I am reading a book about trials as seen by James,
and I am an evangelist to my friends. I also volunteer at a CareNet crisis
pregnancy center with a friend of mine (whose family had been a wonderful
Christian influence throughout my childhood since we were in kindergarten
together.) I love the Lord and He loves me. Not only did I have this current job
offer, but I’d had successful interviews with several others (even in this economic
crisis!) The Lord provides, and He made something beautiful from what I first
thought was a tragedy.
Was son was born early in the morning by C-section. Until he was born, I didn't
believe the "love at first sight" saying, but I do believe there is such a thing
between a mother and her child. It didn't even take seeing him -- it was as soon
as I first heard his cry!
He moved to his home on December 29th and is a happy, healthy, little boy.
Praise be to God!
Our open adoption offers me photos monthly for the first year. We have mutually
decided that, until he asks questions, we will not have any type of visitation and
we will be sure that it is with good timing for both of us when it does come. The
family and I correspond often and they are doing a baby’s first year calendar for
me. We have a great relationship. We were all together when he was baptized at
the hospital, just after I signed the placement papers. My whole family sent him
Christmas presents and will, on occasion, send other things. He will now about
us because his adoptive mother is adopted too -- which I really liked. She said
she will be open and understand more of what he is feeling.
Ten months of my life changed, but a sweet, little, handsome baby came from it.
Adoption was the right choice for me and for my son. I get to continue on with my
life and know that he will have a life with a great family!
To any woman who is now pregnant out of rape, I’d like to assure you that the
Lord provides. There are positives as to why this happened. It is not at all easy
and it often stopped my regular daily activity, but in reality, whether you choose to
place your baby for adoption or to parent, the Lord will offer up exactly what you
need if you believe. Nine or ten months of your life -- sustaining a life -- is easier
to deal with than aborting for an eternity. You can find the good in every situation
if you keep an open mind. You must always remember that though this was not
the ideal way to conceive a child, he or she did not choose to be conceived in
that way either. Every life is precious -- no matter the way of conception or the
quality of life. There are reasons that each and every one of us is created, and
we should all have the opportunity to find out why.
To a child like my son who was conceived in rape, I offer to you that you are more
special than most other children. The Lord allowed me to go through this to see
how faithful I was to Him and whether I would be thankful for His gift to me. The
amount of love I have for my child is surely more filling than a child who was
planned in a two-parent household. It was not your choice to be conceived the
way that you were, nor your mother’s to become pregnant with you. You may not
have been conceived through love, but you were born through love.
I now feel a tremendous sense of purpose. Since having my baby, I resolved to
be abstinent, and am looking into teaching programs of abstinence education in
the future. I’ve been training and volunteering at my local CareNet crisis
pregnancy center, and when I move to Pennsylvania soon, I will be volunteering
at the local CareNet there, helping to encourage other women who are facing
unplanned pregnancies. I hope to attend many pro-life conferences and to be
speaking regularly on the value of life -- even in cases of rape.
Recently, I found a cheap plane ticket to San Diego, and I have a friend from
college out there, so I went to the San Diego Zoo and took lots of animal pictures
because I'm going to making Gabe his first book about animals. I am sooo
excited! I also got him this little toy panda bear thing and a book about pandas.
Oh, and I just got my two month pictures. I am in love! I feel as though with the
love of the Lord, my family, friends, and this little one, my life is so blessed. I can't
say enough about it.
Kaylee Swanson
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